Puerto Vallarta Mexico Day 6 Nov 8 Saturday

Puerto Vallarta Mexico Day 6 Nov 8 Saturday. Miss missy decided to be all snippy with me this morning. Mike was in the bathroom, after we'd woken up, and he had taken a shower. He made sure to bring in HIS towel from the balcony where it was drying from the night before. However, he neglected to bring in mine. So as he was brushing his teeth, he said I could use the shower, so I did. Now, I inadvertantly tossed my undies and they landed on top of his leather toiletry case. They weren't dirty or anything, as I had put them on a few hours earlier when it got chilly during the night, yes I was sleeping commando, but it still grossed him out. He turned to me and with toothbrush still firmly clenched in between his teeth managed to force out his trademark "REALLY!!! ...THAT'S NASTY!" I just smiled and he hung them on the back of the door and gave me his usual look of disgust and disdain that the Dutch are famous for. I'm sure Vier As will agree. I ignored his disapproval, as I am apt to do, and went to shower while he finished brushing his teeth. When I was done, I pulled the shower curtain back only to realize that I had no towel. Mike knew that i didn't have it and stood there staring and smiling....i could hear his thoughts ..."what now mofo" After sarcastically wipping off as much of the water with my hands that i could. I turned to him and said "um hello.... did you bring in my towel" "No I made sure I had mine before I took my shower" he said. The look the bitch gave me was so nasty. Excuse me for having to take 5 seconds out of your day to help out a pal. "Can you get me my towel please?" I asked. He was still brushing his teeth...A full shower for me and he's still brushing wft. He goes to get it and says to me as he's walking and shaking his head. "It's a good thing you're pretty because smart you ain't" So I turned and like a good puppy, took my revenge on his toiletry kit. I opened his case to expose the contents, took my underware, that he was so grossed out over, and wrapped his toiletry case in them nice and snug so that everything had a chance to rub up against the crotch. I thought it's a shame my boxers were hardly used. He came back in with my towel and I scooted out of there fast. After about 30 seconds numnuts opens the door and just stares at me. I turned to him and said "Yes you're right. It's a good thing im pretty and dumb". We went to the buffet at the hotel but forget it. A new Wagon full of locals had arrived and the buffet was already going through its second shift of food and even then we'd be lucky if we got any toast crumbs. We left and went to Mama Rosa's instead for breakfast. We noticed this trip that there are a ton of police all over the place. There's the tourist police, the regular police and the Jalisco Police (the federales) which is equivalent to Canada's RCMP I suppose, with full on military gear. It's a bit unnerving. We asked someone what was going on with all the cops and we're told that they are trying to create this illusion that they are doing something with regards to the drug trade. There is a belief that the local police and the drug dealers are in league with each other so the big boys are here to make it seem like they are taking care of "business". It may be a bit of a facade. On my first trip here I recall heading to Blue Chairs one night and a local drug dealer came up to me and opened up his coat to reveal little pockets sewn in with pills and stuff. Just like you'd see in a cartoon. He asked me if I wanted anything. He was very loud about it too. I said no. What was messed up was that about 3 feet away was a cop, rifle in hand, with his face purposely turned the other way. And did nothing. We figured it was a set up. We walked away. Just don't buy drugs here people. We didn't have any other plans other than sitting by the pool. Given the influx of Rosario's and her ninos by all the pools and the loud Latin music and yelling and screaming, we decided to take our chances with the hissing and crackling of the queens down at Ritmos instead. We got good seats. A TON of eye candy to be seen. Mike gave me the warning early on NO FACEBOOKING. Nobody tells baby not to Facebook. I was ok at first until I got a few drinks in, then the satin elbow legnth gloves came off. I had two fresh batteries and almost a gigabyte of data to burn through as well as wifi on the beach incase that still wasn't enough. I don't remember much, other than seeing a lot of hot guys prancing and posing about. Now I've been criticized for taking these "secret" pics but who are you kidding. Many of these boys look like Abercrombie models. They stand and bend and pose and snap and act like they are looking around for someone that's not really there. They flex and wear the skimpiest outfits that the beach will allow. The swim suits are so tight you can pick the Jews from the Gentiles. And a few Royal Alberts. They got the goods and know we be looking. So why not admire what they have worked so hard at achieving. ..plus we're pigs... I, on the other hand, rather than be selfish, have decided to share them with the world so that you too can enjoy the hard work they put into themselves. ..I'm thoughtful that way. You are welcum fucknuts!!!! My Virtual BFs were there. GARY and LANCE and GARRISON... i have no idea what their names are so we make them up. We even had brief bear and cub play going on in front of us. Kinda hot. The bear pics I posted of him had the facebook gawkers drooling. We stayed for quite a few hours while I blew up everybody's Facebook notifications. The amount of back and fourth banter, comments and chat was unreal. I even had one defriend simply because I didn't respond back fast enough...evidentally he hasnt read my "About" page on facebook.....oh well. I'd love to know stats of how far reaching everything went. I'm an info junky. I must have gotten 200 more friend requests that afternoon and about the same number of followers just from the hot guy beach posts. Awesome and cool. My highlight of the day was when I noticed that hot popular politician Brian Sims had commented on one of my posts. I noticed a guy on the beach that looked like him. I made a comparison and assumption about age....Oops sorry.... His role in government is to blame plus we dont have many young hot politicians in their 30s that I'm aware of in Canada. Most Canadian politicians are normally crusty old farts in their 50s or 60s. That plus Canadian politics are boring. I don't even know if women got the vote yet. It was still great to have received the commentary. It took about 10 minutes for Mike to revive me after I first noticed it. He shoved a jalapeños in each nostril, they were outta smelling salts. Can you tell I'm a stalker yet? Anyway, we tried heading down for dinner early and for the first time ever, we beat the locals to the buffet....didn't take long for the place to get packed. We went to see David at Anonimos after dinner, for a few drinks and then back to Margaritas and home...The Facebook notifications kept on clogging inboxes all night or so I was told.

PUERTO VALLARTA DAY 3 NOV 5 2014

OK fucknuts eees day Tres

Puerto Vallarta Mexico Day 3 Nov 5

There's tiny ants all over the sink in the bathroom. Bugs creep me out. At first they looked like baby kook-a-rachas but once I put my contacts in, I saw that they were ants.

Don't know where they are coming from but they are on the beach as well. More irritating than anything. We'll keep the lights on in the bathroom just in case there is kook-a-rachas. As I recall, light makes them scatter and keep away.

The hotel is still filled with locals who are leftover from November 1st holiday.

Who allowed these people to go on vacation? Somewhere there are kitchen sinks overrun with pots and overgrown gardens.

What about my needs who's gonna cater to me?

They get all upset and indignant when you ask them anything like  "bring me a towel" " my cup is empty fillerup" "rub my feet" "dance" "does this smell funny to you" "get me the Manageria".

It's not my fault i can't tell the local "visitantes" from the hotel staff. No need to get all nasty and pull out shivs.... Heyzeus Cristo! !!

What this country needs is a good Karen Walker for president. She'd keep all these Rosarios in check.

The amount of niños having niños amazes me here. Some of these guys are barely in their 20s and already have 3 or 4 niños.

They used to split the hotel pools between adults and families meaning the big pool was for families including teens. There's a small kiddie pool beside it and the third pool was for adults only. We assume locals can't read the sign or chose to ignore it because sure enough the adults only one is packed with niños.

The other thing the locals do is laundry in the pools.

Every morning they put on every stitch of clothing they have, they jump in, and the Abuela (grandmother) tosses in laundry detergent and then uses a big wooden spoon to swirl them all around.

It's very disturbing. 

Actually we don't get it but why DO all the adults swim in their clothing? I'm talking full on shorts underwear and shirts/tops, bras. It's unreal. Maybe a body image thing but wtf do they think their clothes cling to when they  get out of the water?

I noticed yesterday that one of the niños had shat poolside. The crap has sat there all day melted and spread out...it's gross. And right beside the dining room.

Sometimes we don't even bother with breakfast. The dining room is so crowded with families who take over the buffet and fill their tables with plates of food.

This morning we went to Dee's again and noticed the same guy there that's been hanging around for two days. We believe he is a rent boy. Very handsome and fit. All he seems to do is hang out playing video lottery terminals and exersize on the beach. We did notice that he's had the same red shorts on for the last three days and no shoes. He shall hence forth be known as Red Shorts Guy.

I managed to capture video and pics of him on the beach doing pull ups. (See pics)
 
We also saw Captain Highliner. I swear he looks just like the guy on the package. I don't understand how he can walk around all dressed in shirt, pants, hat full white beard and not sweat profusely. Also reminds me of the guy from Jurassic Park one of Attenboroughs. 

After Dee's we went to sit at the lower level San Marino deck where they have palapas and beach sand. That's where I perfected my "how many tequilas hot is this guy" game.

I'm really gonna have to get hammered. To be honest I have my hunny bunny who is already a bottle of water hot meaning I don't  need to drink to have him make me melt.... He gives me the oooey gooeys inside instead of the heebie geebies. ....Ricky happy :)

We sat there a while then went off to Ritmos.

On the way there we were reminded why it's important to wear a good pair of shoes in Puerto Vallarta. The streets are a mish mash of cobblestones and rocks. There's no need for speed bumps here although they do have those. 

We saw two old favorites on the beach. Senior Cubbins the man with 1000 hats and Herminey (How many how many)an older beach vendor that has upgraded her skills to massages. We both agree she's looking much better and younger and may have lost some weight since we last saw her....good for you fat Mexican unemployable senior with no language skills to speak of good for you!!! Pics posted.

Holy fuck they were having a Golden Gurls convention on the beach. I was expecting hot furry guys and ended up with geriatric andropausal men with hot flashes.

We gotta do a better job of nailing down our vacation time times.

I got a wee bit hammered as I recall posting some pics and for some reason I swear I saw a Latino elf/oompa loompa on the beach or maybe it was the daiquiris clouding my vision. Freaky none the less.

I played my new "how many tequilas hot" game and discovered that my Facebook following are as shallow and catty as I am. Bitches. I love u guys....and a few gals too.

We stayed till about 3 then had a really late lunch.

We're trying something new. Breakfast, late lunch, nap then out for drinks. We find when we have all three meals, primarily dinner, that we get very bloated and tired and end up crashing all night.

Late lunch was at the San Marino then a nap till 9pm.

After that things were pretty much a blur.

I remember going to the Swedes and seeing Morgan and we had a couple of cosmos each. Then back to the hotel to change. The weather is so hot and humid we sweats buckets. I'm already naturally hot do i really need to be even hotter?

Then we saw David Villasenor on our way to Margaritas. He's working late at Anonimos.  We'll have to make a point of dropping by there when he's working.

Margaritas was busy. It's this tiny bar beside La Noche and oddly used to be part of La Noche until they put up a wall between the two clubs.

Rojilio was there all topless and dripping machismo the fucker.  Tad we touched him twice for you. ...we mentioned you but he still says "tad who?" I'm sorry princess.   Oh well more for me.

There was this one uber hot guy there, besides my hunny bunny , who was sporting muscles and tattoos and the perfect beard and had the gays draped all over him. These girls came in and holy fuck did they ever scream. ..wow. .. who the fuck let straight white girls into this city. Clearly fag hags.

We assume they knew him.

We had our two Gin and Tonics then headed off next door to La Noche. It wasn't too busy. There was some eye candy but it was early yet. 11 pm I think ....The place starts humming around midnight...

We left after one drink in search of "dirty tacos" but Tia's, our favorite taco vendor wasn't there. She's this sweet matronly thing that reminds you of your European mom or Abuela (grandmother) who makes cheap fast tasty tacos.  But alas.

We settled for jalapeño chips and then drifted off to sleep in our ant infested room.

How to travel cheap in Puerto Vallarta

This isnt my day 2 blog .

I've had a few of you message asking questions about this place and costs so I thought I'd share the love. Its what I do....it's what makes me so loveable. ...so listen up fucknuts and try to take something useful from this and if you have any useful tips yourselves, then share in the commentary...

I'll post a blog update of yesterday's events shortly.

For anyone thinking of coming to Puerto Vallarta there are some things you may want to consider that will save you money and free up some of your luggage weight/travel allowance now that the airlines are charging more and giving you less.

First

Try to find a hotel that offers all inclusive.

Good luck. The only one we know of is San Marino that is downtown near all of the more popular beaches, clubs and bars. The rest are a bit out of the ways.

For this trip flight, hotel, drinks and all meals cost us 1262 each for 2 weeks! Look for one that also includes wifi and has a lock box.

We booked this trip in September so search early. Sunwing is always looking to fill their planes so it gets cheaper closer to the flight date but don't count on last minute deals. Book on an amount you feel comfortable with. We've lost out on some amazing deals because we kept holding off sk go with your gut. If it looks like a great price and you are comfortable with it lo then bookem Dano and then STOP looking.

We found this deal on iTravel2000. Don't bother with travel agents there are markups and fees. Oh boy If I have any travel agents on my Facebook I'm sure I'm gonna get an earful but who are they kidding.

Keep in mind that food is still relatively cheap here in Mexico so if cant find an all inclusive deal or if you don't like hotel food then there's still a ton of options including your standard McDs, Burger King, Subway and Starbucks if you get desperate. Mexicans are are so very generous when it comes to portion sizes as is evident by the size of many of them...ooh a slam.

Book a checkup with your Dr when you get home to unclog those arteries.

And don't expect 4 or 5 star resort at those prices. San Marino is 2.5 stars and we consider it a place to sleep and store our clothes while we're down here . The rest of the time we prefer to be outside.

Although that being said, they do have amenities here that some would like. Y'all can get your nails did, a real massage sans happy ending and arrange excursions.

The foods also pretty good and they switch it up a bit when not recycling.

Secon

If you wanna have access to data on your phones, don't bother with the Telus or the Rogers packages that they have in Canada. I'm not sure what the travel data packages are like in the U.S. I'd venture to guess they can be just as pricey.

Most of the data travel offers are nothing but a rip off back home.

For example when I first came here I paid 100.00 Canadian for 100mb of data. That was in 2011 and I burnt through that really fast...friggin grindr and scruff. I'm told it's not that different and still pricey now.

Best thing to do is buy your sim and data package here in Mexico from one of the actual Telcel or Movistar vendors. They are all over the place here.

We went to the big Telcel vendor in the "Galaria mall" where there's also a big Walmart, and picked up a sim card for 80 pesos and 1gb of data for only 300 pesos. All converts to just under $38 bucks Canadian. You really can't beat that.

After paying it was really simple. I took the sim and inserted it into the phone and voilà I HAVE DATA!!!. You even get phone minutes with it but I forget how much.

The best thing about this place, if you want to stay connected, is that there is wifi all over Puerto Vallarta so you should be more than fine juggling between your paid 1gb of data and the free wifi.

If for some reason you run out of data then you can easily load up at one of the millions of oxxos all around. Think 7/11.

Not sure how to get to Walmart just cab it. It's cheap. 10 bucks (100 pessos) from San Marino if they try to charge more than 200 pesos you're being ripped off. Bargain or walk away there's a cab every 5 feet. It's just like New York and the cabs smell just as bad.

Third

Forget lugging down a bag full of toiletries there's no need. The same mall that sells the sim also has a massive Walmart and if not Walmart then there's a bunch of other malls or stores where you can pick up items that collectively will weigh down your luggage. It's cheap down here.

For example Crest complete toothpaste with Colgate a three pack in Mexico cost us 38 pesos that's less than 3.70 Canadian or 1.20 each tube approx. versus 2.00 or more in Canada per tube.

Just an example. The point is to save yourself some luggage space and weight.
Between soap, deodorant, shampoo, sunscreen, toothpaste, gels, polident yes I said polident, contact solution etc you could be saving yourself 3lbs in luggage weight or more depending on how many of you are traveling so save the weight and dollars back home it's too conveniently and cheaply available here.

Now I know a bunch of you are prissy ass queens who need to have your special VidalRevlonPantenePro-V-i-cant-believe-you-actually-fall-for-any-of-that-shit shampoo then get over yourselves. It's all really over-priced crap and your hair won't get any cleaner than with standard soap and water no matter how much you try convince yourselves.

Besides it's so humid down here and with the pollution there's no point in trudging down jugs of your pretentious hair care products. ..save the room in your bags and you'll be able to bring home some lovely shawl or evening clutch purses that they make out of recycled Doritos bags to match your coifs (which is short for coiffure) which means hairstyle for any of my Alabama followers.

You might also want to consider using the local laundry services in the area .

We had several pieces of laundry approximately 15+ items laundered and folded for only 100 pesos that's under 10.00 Canadian. Of course you tip a bit more but this will also help in limiting the amount of clothes you need to bring.

Either that or you can pick up laundry detergent at Walmart and a small bucket and wash it yourself as you need it. We did this once and it worked out fine.

Drinks and food is cheap here too so even if you don't get an all inclusive package with your hotel there are plenty of competing bars and restaurants plus liquor is in all the oxxos so get yourself pre-hammered, if so inclined, before heading out.

It is very gay friendly down here too. Although I'd excersize the same decorum you would back home meaning no deep throating at the local oxxo or have any "penises" or is that peni for multiple....hmmm anyway dont have them hanging out when heading out for pizza. These guys know who their clientele are and they cater to us. It feels awesome.

Knock on wood we have never had an issue...

As for drugs, while it's not my scene, and yes I'm judging you...I'm on vacation fuck off , there seems to be much of whatever you want down here.

Word of caution, I've heard stories that the cops and the dealers are in league with each other so my best advice I can give is to learn to say "No Gracias" with a smile and have a nice day and keep walking and don't look back. You just never know what's in the drug or anything about who's selling it. Don't go looking for a Mexican shakedown.

Fourth

Sex Whether you're straight or gay if you are looking to get laid then it will happen.

Even if you are ugly as sin. Keep in mind the hotels frown upon bringing "guests" into the room.

When I used to do that I had to get creative. It's been a while since I found my hunny bunny. It helps if you have grindr scruff tinder bender or whatever else is out there profile .

And please save me the lecture. And dont get all holier than thou. There isn't a fag worth his weight in gold who hasn't tried online hookups in one form or another so please bitches.....

Keep in mind that a nice headboard to stare at helps if the guy looks anything like Gerrard Depardieu.

There is a lot of gay for pay here as well. Rent boys are a dime a peso and they know their audience. Do not be a fool and come here expecting to find "true love". That only happens in Shrek cartoons.

If you're in your 40s and over and plump like many of us are and some 20 something hottie is draped all over you like a cheap suit then chances are he's looking to score more with your wallet or purse than with you. Get what you can out of it if but don't expect to come home having found Mr Right. Seriously get a grip. At least you got laid.

And not to be preachier than I already have been but consider using condoms. Get this... guys lie when they are on vacation. So if he says he's clean he probably means he had a shower before he slithered over.

And if you are worried about your inability to "rise to the occasion" then I have great news for you. MAXIFORT. Generic Viagra is available in every farmacia and you DONT need a prescription.

And the shits super cheap compared to back home. I've found them as low apps 48us for 10 100mg pills to 60 US. And they work just fine... remember NO POPPERS when using them. You'll get a stroke.

So this about all i can think of for what to expect when you visit PV. There's tons to do down here like excursions, bars restaurants or nothing at all and just sit by the beach and veg.

I've never been here alone but have met people who have come alone and are fine on their own.

It really is a fun place to come to with a small group or your bestie as there are varied tastes in entertainment and just overall things to do.

And when you do visit take a minute and go to the SWEDES. It's an awesome restaurant with great food and the owner " Morgan Granander " is a cutie meaning hot...yes I went there.

Puerto Vallarta Mexico Day 1 Nov 3

Puerto Vallarta Mexico day 1 Nov 3

OK so here's how this works.

Seeing as how my friend base has gone from 200 to 3000+ and followers are up there too at over 2100+ (which feels kinda cool btw but also very confusing since I'm a snarky asshole but whatever) here's what i do when i take a trip.... I post and post and post.... If you don't like it, rather than bitch and moan and get all worked up just unfollow me or scroll onto the next Facebook person you are trolling...

The posts can be rather long...it's a story for fuck sake and I find most people are used  to 45 word tweets. Very short attention spans...quite a sad statement. I blame technology and the millenials.

The posts are pretty much useless and just a diary of the stupid and mundane things we are doing daily but people seem to get a kick out of it and live vicariously and being that we are both getting old, it's the only record we have of what crap we did on the trip.

I will keep doing them until arthritis sets in. That's another thing, I'm doing these blogs on my Samsung Note 3 phone with just one finger....that's a lot of typing.....There will be errors especially when I'm drunk....I tend to go all Michael J Fox on the keyboard...see ...I'm an a-hole already.

I'll take pictures of stuff or video of things we see or buy just so you get an idea of what I'm talking about.

The fun part comes when we are hammered and on the beach then we get all catty and mean,  even Michael but he channels his bitchiness through me.

We start following the gays around who are scantily dressed and we make assumptions as to what their life must be like back home.  I'll try to get their  junk shots posted in their banana hammocks....yes I'm that classy.

I figure since most of them love to pose on the beach then someone should be documenting it.

And I embellish where required.

The commentary however becomes less and less decipherable as the day goes on and the drinks go in... it's all in bitter good fun until someone gets their eyes done.

Here we go :

So it's the morning of the trip and we haven't really slept.My mind always races the night before wondering what the hell I've forgotten and sometimes I get up a few times to put something in my suitcase like an extra pair of sunglasses or I get up and pee due to being excited and  nervous.

On really stressful nights I've been known to toss the sunglasses in the toilet and then pee in the bag....but that's a whole other pet peeve Michael's learning to deal with.

We got up early as someone had forgotten to "manscape" prior to the trip...I'm Portuguese we're like gorillas. Our hair grows like bamboo shoots.

After a few razor blades and a couple of cans of Gillette shaving cream I'm now confident that people can tell if I'm coming or going when I walk topless on the beach. I should be good till at least Wednesday.

Having OCD comes in handy when traveling. I make lists and pack well in advance but yet still go through my suitcase a shitload of times before I comfortably lock and strap it shut. Note that it will be opened again once more before getting in the car and at least once before placing it on the conveyor belt at the airport and saying goodbye.

We spent some time taking care of Wicked the cat and carefully stored Elphaba, my 5 foot tall replica witch that I picked up at Lowes on the weekend, in the spare room.

Our friend Aaron has agreed to spend the 2 weeks at Mike's house to watch over Wicked and the house.

He's currently a homeless boy from Newfoundland. He's got a home, it just isn't ready...a condo build.

We gave him chores to do for us. Mike wrote them down in large print. He started using cursive writing until I reminded him that Aaron was from Newfoundland. We're making assumptions of course. I'm sure he can read. But just in case, I drew some pictures beside the instructions. We love the boy but i gotta make sure the cat eats.

We went out for our last Tim Hortons for the next two weeks. Then off to the bank for some last minute cash.

We opted to ask a friend, Scott, if he could drive us this morning and he graciously said yes. 

Normally we either drive and park at the airport for two weeks which costs us over $200 bucks or we take one of those Ambassador cabs which are just as expensive.

Mike wanted to leave the car at the house for Aaron to use since he was kind enough to stay at the house but also to make it look like someone was home. It's all from our having been previously robbed. Did I mention we live in Scarlem? (Scarborough)

While we waited for Scott, we watched modern versions of Let's Make a Deal and The Price is Right. Neither show has changed much other than the technology and prizes. They call the shitty prizes on Let's Make A Deal "zonks" now...wtf? ??

I remember watching these shows as a kid with my mom. Every morning between 11am-12pm she had it on playing in the background while she made lunch or knitted depending on if we had school or not. I swear she would get ideas for her weekly grocery shop based on what she saw on the shows. For an immigrant with little to no English she did very well at playing the games and guessing the prices while yelling at the screen.

She'd make us guess what the cost of our lunch was before we'd sit down to eat it or we could pick what was in the Tupperware containers numbered 1 through 3.

After losing several times over the years and eating stale cabbage and 3 month old potatoes that were inevitably in the Tupperware, we weren't very "brite", we learnt to forego what was in the box and stuck to guessing the price of the meals. At least we were always very skinny kids ... she was twisted.

Anyway it was time to check my suitcase one more time before Scott arrived and to give Wicked one last brush and a cuddle.

I'm guessing the newf won't be brushing him since I forgot to draw that picture in the instructions. We'll come back to a  black massive afro greeting us at the door.

Wicked wasn't in the mood to be played with. I sense he knew something was up. I'm sure he'll be fine.If not, then the rescue is just down the street and they just got a new shipment in of black shorthairs that were dumped after Halloween.

Scott arrived on time and packed us into his Chevy Equinox and had us at the airport in no time. Thanks Scott!!

Usually, when we travel, one of us requires extra leg room. It's not me it's the Dutchie. We porkchops are a short and compact lot. I can assure you great things come in this small package......wait did I say that right?....whatever....It's big....anyway. This usually means paying a bit extra for the elite packages.  This also gets us a few extras like picking our seats early and also priority boarding and extra baggage pounds. This go round we thought we had purchased it but we apparently only paid for Elite and not Premium Elite.... wtf is the difference. We soon learned what was once elite is now premium elite so standard seats for us and treatment like the regular steerage cattle. We hates being regular people we just hates it...my precioussssss.

I was not amused but it was worth it to see that blue vein throbbing on the Dutchman's forehead when he realized HIS error. I'll rub his head later on and maybe his forehead too. That seems to calm it down.

When we finally got through security we headed to the waiting area. Everything seemed to go quickly. We had just an hour to kill and were hungry but didn't want a big meal like we normally have, to start our trips. We decided on just a turkey sandwich from the only Tim Hortons after going through security in terminal 1. Of course they are out of  turkey and buns. A sign of things to come...

We ended up having something else and went to wait.

One thing I like to do is finish off a book during my trips. I know that sounds simple enough but it's a bit of a big deal for me since I haven't been able to sit and read a book for years... having ADD and OCD it's been a bit of a challenge sitting down and reading and trying to focus.

Two years ago I managed to finish my first book in 20 years that didn't have pretty pictures or mutant superheroes in it.

The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Ablom. A simple read. I've since finished Tuesdays With Maury and found his other books in a bargain bin. I brought one of his others, The Time Keeper,  to read along with a new/old book The Candy Shop War.

Again its nothing big or special but I consider it an accomplishment when it's been a challenge for over two decades.

While we were waiting for the plane to board I had something cool happen. One of my Facebook followers recognized us in the airport and came over to say hello. Jim McClaren.

What an odd feeling to be recognized from a simple post. I  wasn't sure what to make of it.

We spoke briefly and Jim seems nice enough. We had a friend in common, Enrique and he (Jim) is also headed down to PV for a week . Hopefully we will run into each other.

Our plane boarded on time and surprisingly took off on time too. At this rate we should be landing at 8:00 pm as scheduled.

In flight movie was Begin Again with Keira Knightly, Mark Ruffalo and that LeVine guy. You may have heard of him. Mediocre movie.  I always get her, Sedgwick and that Titanic girl mixed up

I like Ruffalo he's hot. He's the "average" guy.

Adam Levine with a stache was an odd look for him. Not sure what they were going for. The beard he had later in the movie made him definitely hotter.

They really wanted to kill 2 hours I guess. It pretty much put us to sleep. The plane was filled with seniors and families with kids. A sign of things to come on the days ahead.

Our last trip in the spring was to Jibicoa Cuba and it was awful. Straight couples mostly seniors and a few families on the trip. Just a couple of things that made it regrettable. But this is PV.  We have higher expectations.

Dinner was turkey sandwich on cranberry "infused" ciabatta bun and Walkers pure butter shortbread cookies. An odd combination.

Plane arrived on time but it was too dark to see anything out the window.  Earlier I had gotten a few cool.shots but now it's pitch dark.

We got off the plane rather quickly and the airport was empty. Awesome.

Mike went to change quickly in the bathroom.  He always carries a change of clothes when he travels  while I went for our bags. Took forever for the luggage to come around.

At customs, they have one of those button contraptions whereby they check your luggage by luck of the draw. You press
a button. Green means go while red means you get checked.

When it was our turn we approached a young girl who asked us if we were together. Not wanting  to start issues as you never know how someone will react to us being gay in a foreign country, we said we were friends traveling together.

Her reaction was priceless she looked at us and said "friends ? Or more than friends? " we had a laugh over it and she only had one if us press he button thus lowering our odds if being checked by half. Green. We passed.

When we got to the taxi area our standard barrage of Mexicans were there waiting to get us into their cabs or sell us crap excursions etc.

I learnt from my first trip to focus forward and not make eye contact with them.

If you're going to visit Mexico learn to say the words "no gracias" with a smile. You'll be saying it daily here. You say it on the streets when the cabbies are trying to solicit you. On the beach when the vendors are pushing their knock offs or pretty much anywhere where every drug dealer is trying to sell you "esstasy cokains,  marrawanna" along with a catamaran or banana boat rides.

We were the only ones headed to San Marino which meant that they had arranged a private cab for us. .yay! !! No stopping off at all the other hotels. We were at our hotel in 20 minutes.

We checked into room 405 and this time the safe is free with a 500 pesso deposit that you get back.  Used to be 350 for two weeks no return. We are also asking for a room fridge for 5 bucks a day. Would be nice to store our own cool drinks snacks or food for the two weeks we are here.

It was still early, 8:30pm and the kitchen was still open. We headed down and they were having teriyaki night. What made us feel right at home though was our first Rum Punch  mmmmm.

After dinner, a quick walk to see the new Dees coffee house on upper stinky street (they used to store garbage on it).it's on one side of San Marino. It's nicer and bigger. They've done the area up nice since rebuilding the pier!  I'll post a few night time pics of it.

Then we went to the oxo for water.  I wanted to see if they had sim cards and I was so busy looking for the sim sign that i didnt realise that a kid manning the register had ripped me off. 200 (20 bucks) peso for a 40 (4 buck) peso purchase. I got 15 (1.50)  pesso back.  The little shit.  My fault though. I'll pay closer attention next time. That's one less Mexican that I'm gonna consider trying to help smuggle across the border unless he has a hot older brother.

One thing I bought was a bag of their lays jalapeño chips. These things are friggin addictive and worth the trip to the oxo.

We're so getting fat this trip..

We're pretty much spent for the day and tired.  It's been a long day and we got ourselves 13 more to go.. my fingers already feeling the cramp.

Night

Niagara Falls Vacation

After 18 years of marriage and 3 kids Clair and I decided it was time to try to go away on vacation. A real vacation. Away from the house, parents, in-laws, work, the house, the ongoing repairs, the kitchen etc…Some place new.

Usually Clair and I would take time off each year, a week in July, a week in August and just go sightseeing in our own city, Toronto. There is so much around us that we have been able to keep ourselves busy for the 10 days we take off with the kids in the summer. Ontario Place, Centre Island, The ROM, Science Centre, High Park, Wonderland (once), CNE , the beach etc. Its never been an issue with our kids but this time we wanted to try something different.

Katie suggested we go to Ottawa, since she had missed out on going there last year with her class. Yes we were paranoid and didn’t let her go. But Ottawa sounded boring and I didn’t think that there would be much to do there for the smaller kids or myself for that matter.

Clair suggested Montreal but currently the Quebecer French and I are not on good speaking terms. They refuse to speak English and I refuse to visit a place that’s going to have me clench my butt in anger each time I try to ask someone a question only to be told. “Es que vous parle Francais?”…I know they speak English and understand. Truth be told, I can actually speak and understand enough French to probably get by but I am just as stubborn.

Emily was the one that had the clever idea of going to Niagara Falls. Actually she wanted to go to Marineland after seeing and hearing the incessant amount of advertising on television and radio.

Clair and I looked into it and before we knew it, our first trip in 18 years was booked. 5 days and 4 nights at the Comfort Inn on Cliffton Hills. We even booked a pool-side room. I haven’t been swimming in years and contrary to popular belief not all Portuguese instinctively know how to swim. Everyone figures we do.

We booked it for August the 4th and we would be travelling on Via Rail. What a deal too. Kids under 10 travelled free so we only had to pay for Clair, Katie and myself. All-round trip for 5 people $126.00. We booked the hotel and even took them up on their Fun Pass offers to see some sights including the wax museums, rides and the maid of the mist experience.

As the day got closer, we became more and more anxious . Its only for 5 days and its only to Niagara Falls but when you haven’t left your city for 18 years, it may as well be Rome or Egypt, which we will also do one day.

Two weeks before our trip we heard the bad news. Via Rail was going on strike. We couldn’t believe it. The city was already going through some other strikes. Outside workers (garbage), inside workers and now this. What rotten luck. Of all the times for them to go on strike it would be during the time we had chosen to finally get away. We scrambled to figure out how to get there and settled on purchasing tickets on the Grey Hound. No offence to Grey Hound but compared to Via Rail, It felt like booking a 4 star hotel and ending up in a trailer park. Luckily though, the strike lasted one day and so the vacation was back on.

We bought all the final supplies we figured we would need including new suit cases. In actuality these were our first and only suitcases we had ever owned. Prior to this, whenever we had to go somewhere overnight, if that ever occurred, we used school and shopping bags to haul our stuff. We also bought some new T-shirts for all of us and shorts, swimming trunks, extra memory for the cameras, even new sandals.

On the night before, we had everything packed and ready in the hallway for the next morning. I had even arranged for my mom to come over to the house and look in on things including Salem the cat. He had enough food and water to last him 2 weeks but he needed the company. She would also be bringing in the mail and the green and blue bins into the backyard. The day we left was also going to be the first day of garbage collection after the 5 week garbage strike and I didn’t want the bins lying around all week on the sidewalk. Toronto Garbage collectors are notorious for tossing the bins back onto the sidewalk and where they lie is where they stay.

The kids went to bed early at around 8:30-9pm. Emily and Brandyn were out even before their heads hit the pillow. Katie was doing her “thing”, whatever that was, for a bit after 9pm and even I decided, for a change, that I would go to bed early myself at 10pm. My usual down time is normally 1:30-2:00am .

We figured we needed to be up by 5:30am to leave the house by 7:30am to be at Union Station to catch the Via Train by 8:30am. I had been told that Via Rail prides itself on being on time. It took me about 30 minutes to fall asleep and the last thing I saw was 10:28 displayed on the clock and thinking I’m never going to fall asleep and we are going to miss the train…but I slept and spent the night dreaming that we had missed the train and then also dreamt that we had caught up to the train but I had forgotten the tickets at home….but that was just a dream……

Ice age 3D

Last Tuesday we decided to take the kids out to see Ice Age 3 in 3D at SilverCity Yonge and Eglinton. Its been at least 5 years since we ALL went out to the movies. It gets expensive plus the family is nuts and we try to minimize the amount of time that we are seen in public.

Dont get me wrong, I love them all, I would just rather not have anyone associate me with them in a public forum. However, Tuesday I threw caution to the wind and took them all out.

The trip starts off with us taking the subway at Bathurst. I use two adult tickets and 3 kids tickets. I distract the driver by asking some inane question while the teen goes through and i slip the childs ticket in the box for her. Yes i saved myself 50cents. You'll understand why that matters later on towards the end of this blog.

Its expensive enough as it is and i had left over kids tickets. It still cost us about 8 bucks to get there and 8 bucks to get back. Should have bought the day pass but i wasnt thinking. I was too busy being concerned with being seen out with these people.

As per usual, the boy was panicked on the subway. It starts on the elevator down to the 2nd platform. "Dad, hurry up the doors gonna close" "Dad dont touch anything youll get sick" Dad it smells like pee in here." "Dad stop jumping up and down the elevators gonna fall" then on the platform "Dad!! Stand against the wall the train's coming, its coming" "Dad, its coming fast and you might fall in" "Mom, make him stand against the wall

Of course rather than comply i decided to teeter on the edge of the platform just to see how white and contorted his face can get. Messing with ADD can be fun.

"Rick you're freaking him out, Rick you're gonna get hurt, Rick stand against the wall, Rick Rick Rick" Yes it was the wife.

After 18 years Ive learned to tune in and out and in again but i complied because people were staring and she was getting louder. Did i forget to mention shes Italian. They can get loud. Although to them, they're just talking, "what loud" Im the one thats crazy, noones being loud. Veins popping out the side of her neck, but what loud, shes whispering!!

Meanwhile the two girls (Katie the teen and Emily the toddler) are enjoying watching the torment that Im putting the boy through and are equally trying to disassociate themselves.

The subway arrives and everyone shuffles in. Of course im slowly taking my time to shuffle aross that yellow line while the chimes are playing and the boy's anxiety kicks in again.

"Dad, the doors are gonna close. Dad watch the gap. Dad hurry up your going to slow." Then the wife "Rick, hurry up, Rick the doors gonna close."

I hurry, people are looking, i try to act cool, as cool as i can get wearing bermuda shorts, open toed sandles and a shirt opened down to my navel.

The ride continues with the boy playing musical seats and Emily, following him in tow.

Kaity, is sitting there acting all nonchalant with her headphones on while mom is chasing the other two with a purell bottle.

"Dont touch anything, watch where you put your hands, dont lick your fingers, ooooh you touched your face didnt you!!!!"

Did i mention she can get loud and i can swear she must have been Jewish in another life. I've had Jewish friends and you can't tell a Jewish mother from an Italian mother, they all sound the same after a while but with less of a nasal sound.

The trip lasts about 20 minutes from Bathurst to Yonge and Eglinton

We get off and I realized its been quite a while since Id been at Eglinton so we wander, lost although i wouldnt admit it, for about 5 minutes before getting our bearings and figuring out how to get the heck out of there.

And NO i didnt ask anyone for directions because im a guy and its my job to figure things out without asking for help. Usually the wife would be the one caving and asking for help but she was too pre-occupied keeping the kids under control and close at hand while watching out for the 100s of muggers and pedophiles that she seems to think are lurking about wherever we go.

We finally go up a winding set of stairs and come to BMO where the wife used to work, its definately changed over 10 years. The tellers wickets have been replaced with abms and the place was made up quite nice.

We walked out the large glass doors which are very hard to open and out into the cool evening air with a drizzle.

"Hey Dad theres toys r us, can we go to Toys R us" the boy asked me while annoyingly poking at my arm.

"No we're here to see a movie not spend money on crap thats gonna end up on the hallway floor"

"No it wont i need a poke something or other or bakugan....." he asked but i couldnt make out what and to be honest, i was too busy trying to make sense of the traffic of cars and people that seemed to mesh together.

Even the little one started in on me " can we get a barbie, i need one with the dog and I need one with the little pony..." i need i need i need ...."NO only a movie" I said.

Again i've learned to zone out and they become background noise like static. I figure as long as i can still hear them yammering in the background then they are still there and alive.

We make it to the theatre and its pretty much empty for a tuesday. We figured it would be cheaper on a tuesday. The wife had bought some movie coupons through work for 9 bucks for me and her and we were only going to pay for the kids. I figured it would be half price or something for the tuesday. When we got to the wicket, the cashier greeted us with a "hiyee"

I started to open my mouth when the boy pipes up " hey dad, can we get popcorn", then the teen " i want nachos, can i get nachos" then the wife, "dont forget the coupons, i got the coupons, whats the point of getting them if youre not gonna use the coupons, I dont think we can use them though for 3d movies"

"Shaddup geez give me a minute." uh oh, wifes mad now, kids are embarrassed..

I turn to the cashier " I got 3 kids 2 adults. Although if you asked my wife she would say she has 4 kids" I wait for the cashier to smile or at least LOL which I understand is the current proper term used by todays teens to signify humour....but nothing. She just stares at me blankly..."One look at the wife tells me whats going on in her mind. "Hes flirting again".....

"Does she count as a kid?" I asked pointing at Katie. "Shes 13. Is that an adult."

She keys her in as a kid and before she can tell me the full cost, my wife shoves the coupons in my face.

" Oh i forgot i got these passes"

"Soree" the cashier says with a smile. Quick tip for anyone reading this who is in the customer service industry. If you are about to give some disappointing or bad news , DONT say SOREE and especially not with a smile. You can do the Im sorry with a somber solumn tone to your voice but dont say it with that high lilt and a smile and i definately dont need to see a sparkle in your eye.

"Soree, because its a 3d movie (insert high inflection in voice) we need to charge you 3.00 more per pass. Is that okayee(high inflection)"

No its not okay, i thought but i smiled back and said, "thats fine"...then i heard the wife murmring in the background softly but loudly enough for anyone within 10 feet to hear (did i mention shes italian and they can be loud)
"Whats the point of getting coupons...murmur murmur....its supposed to save money murmur murmur....wasted my time picking them up...murmur murmur ..could have come home earlier this morning instead of wasting my time."

I smiled at the cashier and then i realized why it was that I hadnt been to the movies in years.

The sticker price on the register read $56.00. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! $56 bucks to see a fricken cartoon thats available online.

"You're shitting me" i said.

"Wha.."she said, "um yeah thats the price because its in 3eee deee....its a bit more."

"Wow...sorry"...i turned to the kids who quickly realized what was going on and I said " Okay noones peeing during the movie, we are gonna watch every second of it...i swear to god, first one to complain and needs to pee's gonna get it."

I handed her my debit card and felt very dispondent as i keyed in my pin. Secretly I was hoping that it wouldnt go through, that the card had gotten demagnetized or at the very least skimmed by some fraudsters. Any reason that was out of my control to be able to say, sorry kids. But it went through.....stupid bank and their technological efficiancy and their security of my holdings.

She handed the tickets over and I stepped to the side and just stared at the number on the receipt.

"Is it expensive dad" Kaity (the teen who has no understanding of how money works other than dad opens his wallet and its somehow just there) asks.

I dont answer, i just stare at her while going up the entire length of the escalator. Shes noticeably uncomfortable.

There is a giant U.S.S. enterprise at the top and left over christmas lights hanging from the ceiling simulating our universe. Then the sounds of video games, the claw machine and other crap that the boy immediately ran too.

"Hey dad, do you got a loonie" he said. Then he realized his error as the look on my face pretty much said oh god he better run and run fast.....

"GO PEE....NOW" I grumbled sternly. " I dont need to hear, but i dont wanna pee, im fine i dont have to pee"

We split up, girls in one room, boys in the other and we peed. Boy did we ever pee. In fact i went so much that my bladder started to cave in.

We left the bathroom and met up in front of the concession stand.

There were a mishmash of people standing around trying to figure out what to buy and chatting. Popcorn popping, games chiming away, squaking blondes in the corner...just cacaphony.

"Okay" i said, "Im going to buy popcorn and one drink for each of you and I dont want to hear complaining"

"But dad, i want the ice age bucket" emily said. "Can i have nachos and a Barks root bear" was Katies request. Then the boy decided to test my patience "how about that loonie dad, can i play a game."

"NO! I said popcorn and a drink, no nachos, no special buckets and dont make me hide my foot in places by mentioning that loonie game again."

The wife and i stared at the display and for the life of me, i could not figure out what the hell the the prices were for all the specials and combos. They all seemed to claim to save me money but i couldnt figure out what we were getting.

The regular combo seemed to be the best. Two regular popcorns, two drinks and a choice of one of 4 candies. But no price....i was saving $1.50 apparently but no actual price indicated as to what i would pay.

"Can i have a large......." I didnt even give the boy time to finish his sentence before i reminded him that my shoe was a size large...11 infact.

"Can you figure it out Clair" I asked my wife who looked just as confused as i did.

"No" she said, "I dont undestand what the fricken prices are"

We decided to line up and ask the popcorn kid when it was our turn. Of course, we end up linning up behind the slowest, most undecisive, annoying individuals that we could find at that time of night. It took them about 5 minutes to figure out what they wanted and another 5 minutes to figure out how to pay for their order.

When it was our turn, I asked the clerk " how much are individual regular popcorn and drinks?" I was trying to figure out if it truly was a deal even though i still couldnt figure out what the combo price was.

He just stared at me, a blank stare, a butter infused blank stare....."okay just give me a kids iceage bucket combo and two regular combos, that will save me $1.50 each according to your sign right"

"Right" he responded. As he keyed it in , i continued to try to make heads or tails of how much the combo would be while the teen and the boy argued over which candy they would get for free. Honestly, they can be such tards sometimes. They were each going to get 1 candy item and were both arguing over what they should get with themselves. One chose Whoppers while the other chose those gummie berrie things.

"Okay that will be $24.99" The clerk says.

"Wow" i said to him unintentionally being loud while quickly doing fast math and realizing that for the 10 items we were getting it was about 2.50 each item.

"I guess thats not so bad for 4 regular popcorns 4 regular pops and 2 candies and the kids meal ice age bucket"

"Oh sorry, you want 2 combos" he says.

" Yeah why" I asked confused

"I only keyed in 1 combo" he says while furiously tapping away at the cash. Then when he was finished i couldnt believe what i was seeing.

"Thats $58.50" he says almost like this was normal.

I almost dropped a load right there. I couldnt believe it. First it cost me $8.00 to get there by subway, it will cost another $8.00 to get back, then $56.00 for the tickets themselves and now are you shitting me another $58.50 for jiffy pop and coke!!!! some more fast math thats $130.50 for a kids movie.

" Are you serious" i asked him. Then he gets a bit nervous which i was glad to see for a change and a far cry from the Soree girl who sold me the tickets. He checks the register and says:

"Um, yeah thats for 4 regular popcorns and pop and the kids combo and two candies"

"Holy crap" it just came out of me. I turned to the poor guy and my kids and just blurted.

"You see, this is why i steal movies!!!!!. " " Daddy, dont do it my @ss" " Are you kidding me. 'whos robbing from who."

I could hear murmurs in the crowd. Some were murmurs of dismay, others of shock and others of agreement.

I could sense an uneasiness in the air. There was that question that i could hear lingering in the kids minds. Hes not gonna do it, hes not gonna buy the popcorn, Hes not gonna get me my barks root beer, NO Ice age bucket, I want my whoppers! What about that loonie!

"Wow" i kept saying while shaking my head as as i handed him the hard earned cash.

"I know what you mean sir" the cashier said " i do it too!!!"

"Wow" is all i could keep saying.

"We love you daddy", Emily said trying to apease me and make me feel better about having spent probably 2 days worth of wages on a crappy movie that i have waiting to watch.....are you kidding me.

Then to add insult to injury, they give Emily a Disney's UP bucket instead of Ice Age3.

"Dont you have the Ice Age 3 buckets" I asked

"Um no we ran out, they were popular...SOREE......"

"Guess i dont get a discount for the UP bucket i suppose" I said not expecting a response. Afterall, I just paid regular price for a replacement bucket and all i got was a lousy SOREE.

As we walked down the poster laden path to theatre 8 I kept thinking about how expensive this night had been all the while thinking, these brats get everything at home but their good kids and what the hell its only money i suppose. Besides its Emily's first movie...

The boy held my hand

" Hey dad, can we go watch Harry Potter next week too...im really disappointed that you havent taken me to see a Harry Potter mov......" ...whump!! He didnt even get to finish the sentence....shoe was gone......im pretty fast!!!!!

Thats Life!