Puerto Vallarta Mexico Day 1 Nov 3

Puerto Vallarta Mexico day 1 Nov 3

OK so here's how this works.

Seeing as how my friend base has gone from 200 to 3000+ and followers are up there too at over 2100+ (which feels kinda cool btw but also very confusing since I'm a snarky asshole but whatever) here's what i do when i take a trip.... I post and post and post.... If you don't like it, rather than bitch and moan and get all worked up just unfollow me or scroll onto the next Facebook person you are trolling...

The posts can be rather long...it's a story for fuck sake and I find most people are used  to 45 word tweets. Very short attention spans...quite a sad statement. I blame technology and the millenials.

The posts are pretty much useless and just a diary of the stupid and mundane things we are doing daily but people seem to get a kick out of it and live vicariously and being that we are both getting old, it's the only record we have of what crap we did on the trip.

I will keep doing them until arthritis sets in. That's another thing, I'm doing these blogs on my Samsung Note 3 phone with just one finger....that's a lot of typing.....There will be errors especially when I'm drunk....I tend to go all Michael J Fox on the keyboard...see ...I'm an a-hole already.

I'll take pictures of stuff or video of things we see or buy just so you get an idea of what I'm talking about.

The fun part comes when we are hammered and on the beach then we get all catty and mean,  even Michael but he channels his bitchiness through me.

We start following the gays around who are scantily dressed and we make assumptions as to what their life must be like back home.  I'll try to get their  junk shots posted in their banana hammocks....yes I'm that classy.

I figure since most of them love to pose on the beach then someone should be documenting it.

And I embellish where required.

The commentary however becomes less and less decipherable as the day goes on and the drinks go in... it's all in bitter good fun until someone gets their eyes done.

Here we go :

So it's the morning of the trip and we haven't really slept.My mind always races the night before wondering what the hell I've forgotten and sometimes I get up a few times to put something in my suitcase like an extra pair of sunglasses or I get up and pee due to being excited and  nervous.

On really stressful nights I've been known to toss the sunglasses in the toilet and then pee in the bag....but that's a whole other pet peeve Michael's learning to deal with.

We got up early as someone had forgotten to "manscape" prior to the trip...I'm Portuguese we're like gorillas. Our hair grows like bamboo shoots.

After a few razor blades and a couple of cans of Gillette shaving cream I'm now confident that people can tell if I'm coming or going when I walk topless on the beach. I should be good till at least Wednesday.

Having OCD comes in handy when traveling. I make lists and pack well in advance but yet still go through my suitcase a shitload of times before I comfortably lock and strap it shut. Note that it will be opened again once more before getting in the car and at least once before placing it on the conveyor belt at the airport and saying goodbye.

We spent some time taking care of Wicked the cat and carefully stored Elphaba, my 5 foot tall replica witch that I picked up at Lowes on the weekend, in the spare room.

Our friend Aaron has agreed to spend the 2 weeks at Mike's house to watch over Wicked and the house.

He's currently a homeless boy from Newfoundland. He's got a home, it just isn't ready...a condo build.

We gave him chores to do for us. Mike wrote them down in large print. He started using cursive writing until I reminded him that Aaron was from Newfoundland. We're making assumptions of course. I'm sure he can read. But just in case, I drew some pictures beside the instructions. We love the boy but i gotta make sure the cat eats.

We went out for our last Tim Hortons for the next two weeks. Then off to the bank for some last minute cash.

We opted to ask a friend, Scott, if he could drive us this morning and he graciously said yes. 

Normally we either drive and park at the airport for two weeks which costs us over $200 bucks or we take one of those Ambassador cabs which are just as expensive.

Mike wanted to leave the car at the house for Aaron to use since he was kind enough to stay at the house but also to make it look like someone was home. It's all from our having been previously robbed. Did I mention we live in Scarlem? (Scarborough)

While we waited for Scott, we watched modern versions of Let's Make a Deal and The Price is Right. Neither show has changed much other than the technology and prizes. They call the shitty prizes on Let's Make A Deal "zonks" now...wtf? ??

I remember watching these shows as a kid with my mom. Every morning between 11am-12pm she had it on playing in the background while she made lunch or knitted depending on if we had school or not. I swear she would get ideas for her weekly grocery shop based on what she saw on the shows. For an immigrant with little to no English she did very well at playing the games and guessing the prices while yelling at the screen.

She'd make us guess what the cost of our lunch was before we'd sit down to eat it or we could pick what was in the Tupperware containers numbered 1 through 3.

After losing several times over the years and eating stale cabbage and 3 month old potatoes that were inevitably in the Tupperware, we weren't very "brite", we learnt to forego what was in the box and stuck to guessing the price of the meals. At least we were always very skinny kids ... she was twisted.

Anyway it was time to check my suitcase one more time before Scott arrived and to give Wicked one last brush and a cuddle.

I'm guessing the newf won't be brushing him since I forgot to draw that picture in the instructions. We'll come back to a  black massive afro greeting us at the door.

Wicked wasn't in the mood to be played with. I sense he knew something was up. I'm sure he'll be fine.If not, then the rescue is just down the street and they just got a new shipment in of black shorthairs that were dumped after Halloween.

Scott arrived on time and packed us into his Chevy Equinox and had us at the airport in no time. Thanks Scott!!

Usually, when we travel, one of us requires extra leg room. It's not me it's the Dutchie. We porkchops are a short and compact lot. I can assure you great things come in this small package......wait did I say that right?....whatever....It's big....anyway. This usually means paying a bit extra for the elite packages.  This also gets us a few extras like picking our seats early and also priority boarding and extra baggage pounds. This go round we thought we had purchased it but we apparently only paid for Elite and not Premium Elite.... wtf is the difference. We soon learned what was once elite is now premium elite so standard seats for us and treatment like the regular steerage cattle. We hates being regular people we just hates it...my precioussssss.

I was not amused but it was worth it to see that blue vein throbbing on the Dutchman's forehead when he realized HIS error. I'll rub his head later on and maybe his forehead too. That seems to calm it down.

When we finally got through security we headed to the waiting area. Everything seemed to go quickly. We had just an hour to kill and were hungry but didn't want a big meal like we normally have, to start our trips. We decided on just a turkey sandwich from the only Tim Hortons after going through security in terminal 1. Of course they are out of  turkey and buns. A sign of things to come...

We ended up having something else and went to wait.

One thing I like to do is finish off a book during my trips. I know that sounds simple enough but it's a bit of a big deal for me since I haven't been able to sit and read a book for years... having ADD and OCD it's been a bit of a challenge sitting down and reading and trying to focus.

Two years ago I managed to finish my first book in 20 years that didn't have pretty pictures or mutant superheroes in it.

The Five People You Meet In Heaven by Mitch Ablom. A simple read. I've since finished Tuesdays With Maury and found his other books in a bargain bin. I brought one of his others, The Time Keeper,  to read along with a new/old book The Candy Shop War.

Again its nothing big or special but I consider it an accomplishment when it's been a challenge for over two decades.

While we were waiting for the plane to board I had something cool happen. One of my Facebook followers recognized us in the airport and came over to say hello. Jim McClaren.

What an odd feeling to be recognized from a simple post. I  wasn't sure what to make of it.

We spoke briefly and Jim seems nice enough. We had a friend in common, Enrique and he (Jim) is also headed down to PV for a week . Hopefully we will run into each other.

Our plane boarded on time and surprisingly took off on time too. At this rate we should be landing at 8:00 pm as scheduled.

In flight movie was Begin Again with Keira Knightly, Mark Ruffalo and that LeVine guy. You may have heard of him. Mediocre movie.  I always get her, Sedgwick and that Titanic girl mixed up

I like Ruffalo he's hot. He's the "average" guy.

Adam Levine with a stache was an odd look for him. Not sure what they were going for. The beard he had later in the movie made him definitely hotter.

They really wanted to kill 2 hours I guess. It pretty much put us to sleep. The plane was filled with seniors and families with kids. A sign of things to come on the days ahead.

Our last trip in the spring was to Jibicoa Cuba and it was awful. Straight couples mostly seniors and a few families on the trip. Just a couple of things that made it regrettable. But this is PV.  We have higher expectations.

Dinner was turkey sandwich on cranberry "infused" ciabatta bun and Walkers pure butter shortbread cookies. An odd combination.

Plane arrived on time but it was too dark to see anything out the window.  Earlier I had gotten a few cool.shots but now it's pitch dark.

We got off the plane rather quickly and the airport was empty. Awesome.

Mike went to change quickly in the bathroom.  He always carries a change of clothes when he travels  while I went for our bags. Took forever for the luggage to come around.

At customs, they have one of those button contraptions whereby they check your luggage by luck of the draw. You press
a button. Green means go while red means you get checked.

When it was our turn we approached a young girl who asked us if we were together. Not wanting  to start issues as you never know how someone will react to us being gay in a foreign country, we said we were friends traveling together.

Her reaction was priceless she looked at us and said "friends ? Or more than friends? " we had a laugh over it and she only had one if us press he button thus lowering our odds if being checked by half. Green. We passed.

When we got to the taxi area our standard barrage of Mexicans were there waiting to get us into their cabs or sell us crap excursions etc.

I learnt from my first trip to focus forward and not make eye contact with them.

If you're going to visit Mexico learn to say the words "no gracias" with a smile. You'll be saying it daily here. You say it on the streets when the cabbies are trying to solicit you. On the beach when the vendors are pushing their knock offs or pretty much anywhere where every drug dealer is trying to sell you "esstasy cokains,  marrawanna" along with a catamaran or banana boat rides.

We were the only ones headed to San Marino which meant that they had arranged a private cab for us. .yay! !! No stopping off at all the other hotels. We were at our hotel in 20 minutes.

We checked into room 405 and this time the safe is free with a 500 pesso deposit that you get back.  Used to be 350 for two weeks no return. We are also asking for a room fridge for 5 bucks a day. Would be nice to store our own cool drinks snacks or food for the two weeks we are here.

It was still early, 8:30pm and the kitchen was still open. We headed down and they were having teriyaki night. What made us feel right at home though was our first Rum Punch  mmmmm.

After dinner, a quick walk to see the new Dees coffee house on upper stinky street (they used to store garbage on it).it's on one side of San Marino. It's nicer and bigger. They've done the area up nice since rebuilding the pier!  I'll post a few night time pics of it.

Then we went to the oxo for water.  I wanted to see if they had sim cards and I was so busy looking for the sim sign that i didnt realise that a kid manning the register had ripped me off. 200 (20 bucks) peso for a 40 (4 buck) peso purchase. I got 15 (1.50)  pesso back.  The little shit.  My fault though. I'll pay closer attention next time. That's one less Mexican that I'm gonna consider trying to help smuggle across the border unless he has a hot older brother.

One thing I bought was a bag of their lays jalapeño chips. These things are friggin addictive and worth the trip to the oxo.

We're so getting fat this trip..

We're pretty much spent for the day and tired.  It's been a long day and we got ourselves 13 more to go.. my fingers already feeling the cramp.

Night